Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Gratitude Observed

This somewhat gloomy,slightly sun peeked afternoon, I returned from the library with a small handful of new books. One I started up as soon I as entered our small house. I plopped myself onto our chaise, covered myself with a snugly throw and dove into it. "A GRIEF OBSERVED" -C.S. Lewis. This is an intensely personal account of the meaning of his wife's death, who died of cancer. This being written in longhand in occasional notebooks which Lewis found in his empty home. He writes of faith with precision, humor and grace. This was published under the pseudonym N.W.Clerk just before the author's death late in 1963.
This 60 page account of his grief is somewhat hard to take in considering the circumstances. I don't exactly enjoy reading of someones heart being completely swallowed up in their own emotion, but this really touched me in a different light.

He writes on whatever he finds in his empty home, personal scribbles of his sadness over his wife painted on each page. Even if you may have never experienced a loss such as this you can feel his pain, you can relate, even if you don't want to. He is unsure of where she is, what she is doing and if she is grieving the same as him.(from the other side)

He even writes about bringing her back, and then only to have to lose her again, he talks about remembering her laugh, her cry, the way she looks when she wakes, when she sleeps.He even mentions remembering how the light would hit her face at certain angles.

The love and beauty behind this relationship is so sweet.

(I allowed myself to shut my eyes for a moment to remind myself of Marshalls laugh, his cry, his face as he wakes, and as he sleeps, I even found myself tonight more aware of how the light hit his face at certain angles, because, some day when I must wait to meet with him on the other side, the sweet rememberance of these special moments will keep me content until we meet together again.)

As C.S. Lewis becomes more comfortable with himself without her, he finds that he becomes more comfortable with God.

"God has not been trying an experiment on my faith or love in order to find out their quality. He knew it already. It was I who didn't. In this trial He makes us occupy the dock, the witness box, and the bench all at once. He always knew that my temple was a house of cards. His only way of making me realize the fact was to knock it down."

When I read, I often read with a completely different perspective than my own, so I can relate to the author and understand their vision, and their ideas.

With this story I did just that, but after reading I couldn't help but feel so grateful for the Temple. For the work that can be done there for the deceased and for the sealings of couples and families.

I am grateful for my perspective that I have on life, and on death. The thought of never being with Marshall again never crosses my mind. The most beautiful gift we have been given is the gift of eternal life.

Who wouldn't want to be with their love, and their family forever...?